Ridiculous Earthling Garments
by Torie Rilistkrytcat
Summary: When the transylvanians first land on the planet known as Earth, to avoid suspicion they must shop for suitable earthling clothes, a task easier said than done. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: How'd you do? I see you've noticed my sad confession. I'm just a little off now because, I must tell you that, I don't own Rocky Horror.

Coming to Earth was not as easy as the Transylvanians thought. When they first arrived, people stared at them like they were insane. They were, of course, and Magenta, Riff-Raff and Frank (Especially Frank- he was sure that the people were staring at him because he was so alluring) did not care, being completely and utterly insane anyway. But Columbia, who had a slight shred of sanity in her, tired of people's wary glares and persuaded them to buy earthling clothes (When I say persuaded, I mean drugged and hypnotized.).

"These clothes are the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen." Riff-Raff drawled, holding up a plain black T-shirt and staring at it with absolute disgust, as if the aqua catsuit with a metre-high collar he was wearing was a completely plain and ordinary garment.  
>"Speak for yourself." a young, muscly blonde man muttered as he walked past. Frank stared at him, eyes wide, his black and red lips curving into a smile.<br>"Mmm." he muttered. "That one looks nice."  
>Columbia rolled her eyes. "Come on." she squeaked. "Unless you want to get caught out by an earthling." she started scanning the racks. Magenta and Riff-Raff, seeing sense for one of the first times, knew that while they were doing the research in this strange place named earth, that they would have to look completely odd or, as the earthlings called it, <em>normal<em>. So, with Columbia's help, they picked out a few normal outfits- a few hideously plain black slave- or, as they had to say now, 'maid'- dresses for Magenta and some black suits for Riff-Raff.  
>"Now what stupid clothes am I going to wear?" Columbia squealed as she searched the racks, flicking through the clothes.<br>"Hey! I like these!" she held up a pair of over-sized striped pajamas. The three of them looked at each other.  
>"We must see if these garments fit us." Magenta sighed. The three of them started sliding out of the arms of the catsuits they were wearing. Columbia was just about to pull hers off when a shop assistant noticed them and rushed towards them,<br>"Excuse me- it would be wise of you to use the change rooms." The assistant said, trying to sound as polite as she possibly could.  
>"Oh yes, dear, but we're not wise, nor do we wish to be." Magenta smiled at her, about to step out of her catsuit.<br>"Let me rephrase that!" The woman cried, panicked. "You are not allowed to change in the middle of the shop."  
>To the woman's utter horror, the three's heads twisted around on their necks until they were completely backwards to face her.<br>"You mean, we are to undress in the rooms over there?" Riff Raff indicated the change rooms with his backwards head. The woman held in a scream.  
>"Er... yes..." she stuttered.<br>"Thankyou." he droned icily. The transylvanians' heads twisted to right themselves and, adjusting their catsuits, they walked over to the changerooms.  
>"Hey." Columbia suddenly cried. "Where's Fran- I mean, Master?"<p>

Frank sat at the _'All stockings $3' _bin, clutching several pairs of fishnets to his chest (encased in his favourite black vampire cloak), staring at all the attractive men and women who went past- in fact, _all _of the men and women who went past, with murmurs of "ooh" and "Mmm."  
>When a particularly fine specimen of a man went past Frank leapt up onto the stocking bin, striking a seductive pose and grabbing the dark haired, tanned man by the shoulder. The man stared at him expectantly. "What do you want?" he asked in a deep, slightly italian voice, taking in Frank's vampire cloak and made-up face.<br>"Mmm, such a voice!" Frank cried happily. "Now, Mister, would you like to see me at my dwelling- I mean, _castle_ tonight?"  
>"For what?" the man huffed.<br>"Oh, who knows?" Frank smiled sinisterly at the man, who ripped his hand off his shoulder and stormed away, muttering about idiots and practical jokes.  
>"Wait!" Frank dashed after him and grabbed his arm. "We could get some chinese earthling-chow and watch what is known as a <em>moove-eee<em>."  
>The man's eyes started to search the ceiling desperately. Frank looked up too.<br>"Oh, that's nothing! If you like the ceiling here, you'll_ love_ it at my castle! I have those delightful candle-ears on the ceiling!"  
>The man stared at him. "<em>Chandelier.<em>" he corrected. "And I'm searching for the candid cameras!"  
>"Oh, well, we can do that together! Just what exactly are candied can-rass?" Frank asked innocently. The man started to run away, causing Frank to sigh and resume flicking through the fishnets.<br>"Oh, Earth people are all so _odd_." he sighed sadly. "You say a perfectly **ordinary** thing and they act like you're insane."

Meanwhile, the other three transylvanians were busy in the changing rooms. Columbia exited, her arms threaded through the legs of the pyjama trousers while the shirt was buttoned up around her legs and falling down constantly.  
>"Earth clothes are strange!" Magenta moaned, studying her dress- which she had put on backwards.<br>Riff-Raff nodded. "Though mine seem to be more ordinary than yours." Perhaps that was due to the fact that he was wearing his clothes on inside out, rather than backwards or upside-down.  
>"I suppose we have to buy them." Columbia sighed. "If we want to look normal."<br>They all looked at each other, unsmiling for a minute, before Magenta leaped up.  
>"I know what would cheer us up." she grinned.<br>They looked at each other, but grinning this time. Suddenly, they turned around and stood in perfect synch.  
>"Wait!" Columbia screamed, just as the eerie music that emitted, oddly, from every normal Transylvanian's organs, was about to start.<br>"We can't do it without Frank!"  
>The others groaned, but started to look from him.<br>Suddenly, the curtains broke open from a closed changing room, revealing Frank wearing a leather crop-top, feather boa, fishnets and platform shoes. "Oh, I'm here!" he cried. "And loving these earthling clothes! Look at these." he indicated his fishnets, a pair that would soon become his favourites. "They are called _fish nets_. The strange thing is, to my amazement, they have nothing to do with fish!" He shrugged. "Very confusing. Anyway, what couldn't you do without me?"  
>"Oh, you know what!" Columbia squealed, winking. Frank laughed, and the four started emitting music from their organs.<br>"_It's astounding_!" Riff-Raff sang. "_Time is fleeting_..."

A few minutes later, the store didn't know what had hit it. Four oddly dressed people with strange hairstyles and ridiculous make-up were dancing, singing, and occassionally screaming "_Let's do the time warp again_!" The manager was getting impatient- he had tried to ignore them, but now they were pulling clothes off the racks and tossing them up in the air. When they started pole-dancing on the racks, the manager had had enough.  
>"Excuse me!" he yelled. The four froze and turned to him.<br>"Ye-esss?" They all said in perfect synch, leaning in intimidatingly, the music stopping. The mananger refused to let them scare him.  
>"Dancing is not permitted in this store, and I must ask you to stop."<br>"Absolute Gibberish." Frank stated, and they resumed their dancing.  
>"<em>But it's the Pelvic Thru-u-ust! That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane! Let's do the Time Warp A-"<em>  
>"EXCUSE ME!" The manager roared. "If you don't stop, I have no choice other than to THROW YOU OUT!"<br>Magenta, Columbia and Riff-Raff slunk away, but Frank stayed, leaning in close. "Is that a promise?" he grinned evilly. "Oh, I love a masculine man..."  
>That's when the manager snapped. "Right, that's it. GET OUT!" he yelled.<br>"Oh, no dear! Not until we buy some hats!" Frank patted the man on the head and stalked away, leaving the manager furious.

The manager followed the irritating Transylvanians to a section of the store labelled _**Novelty hats**_.  
>"Excuse me." He demanded. "I asked you to leave."<br>But he was drowned out by Columbia screaming "OH! LOOK!" And holding up two hats- one a sparkly top-hat, the other a strange black cap with Mickey-mouse ears.  
>"How lovely!" Magenta breathed. "And look at this one, dahhh-ling." she held up a hat shaped like a Jack-o-lantern.<br>"And look at these fine specimens!" Riff-Raff announced, joining the women and showing them a giant, fish-shaped hat and an enormous and hideous black cowboy hat. The manager rolled his eyes and started to pursue Frank.  
>"I asked you to leave." He insisted. Frank picked up a pink crown and placed it on the manager's head, studing him seriously for a moment before shaking his head.<br>"No." he removed the crown, chucking it threw a window to the manager's horror and running off to seriously study and oversized priest's hat.  
>"I asked you to GET OUT!" the manager screamed after him. "If you do not leave soon, I will have to call the security guards and have them escort you out the shop!"<br>That stopped Frank. He turned around, the over-sized priest's hat now on the top of his head.  
>"Security?" he whispered, eyes widening. "As in burly, strong muscly men?"<br>The manager nodded smugly and for one second he thought that he'd scared this strange man.  
>Until Frank started jumping up and down happily, clapping his hands. "Oh, yes please!" he cried repeatedly.<br>The manager groaned. He thought he'd_ never_ get rid of this man...  
>Until Magenta lurked up to him, laden with hats and 'earthling' clothes, and murmured something about an appointment in his ear.<br>"Oh, dratt, I was enjoying myself!" he wailed, but they started for the door.  
>"Good day to you." Frank smiled at the man as the four stepped past him . Frank walked over to the counter and threw down some transylvanian money on the counter. The woman stared at him, but smiled politely yet shakily.<br>"Nice shoes. Are they for your wife?" she asked, eyes flickering to Columbia, who leapt back a bit, shaking her head.  
>"No, they're for myself." Frank smiled.<br>"Oh." The woman nodded understandingly. "Fancy dress Party?"  
>"No- but what a splendid Idea! A party where you wear Fancy dresses! I may hold one of those tonight! In fact..." he darted over to the closest rack and threw down a sparkly gold dress. The woman stared at him, but shrugged and put it in the bag, handing the bags to the Transylvanians before counting the stash of Transexual Money.<br>"Hey- this money isn't valid..." she noticed that they were already walking towards the door. "HEY! COME BACK!"  
>"RUUUUUN!" Frank screamed girlishly, and the four took off as quickly as they could, outrunning the security guards by far.<p>

"Well." Columbia panted, leaning against the castle wall- the four had run the _entire_ way home. "I'm glad I never have to do THAT again."  
>"Are you <em>joking<em>?" Frank asked excitedly. The others turned to him, confused.  
>"That was the most fun I've ever had in my life!" he cried. "In fact, I'm going back tomorrow!"<p>

**Did you like it? I had this Idea for a while but I was never sure if I should post it. Please read and review, my first fic for the Rocky Horror Picture show! Kisses from Frank to all who review!**


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